Mommy Bloopers

With the title of "Mommy" comes a whole host of new, horrific, and hilarious experiences that, in our sleep-deprived states, we sometimes find absolutely gut-busting, if we're not red in the face from anger or embarrassment. Today I had a Mommy Blooper and in sharing the experience with a friend, I began thinking back to other goofy things that happened with G and J, including phrases like, "Quit licking the floor!" "Get your crotch out of the water flow, that's weird!" Yes. These things really happen. So I have compiled a list of some of the funniest Mommy Bloopers from a variety of friends, and maybe one or two from myself.

"Answering the door and talking to the cable guy with my 3 week old in my arms, with my boob STILL out. I couldn't look him in the eye the whole time he was installing. I was mortified."

"Coming down the stairs with my pumping bra and yoga pants on, and hubby is skyping with a friend. The computer is facing the stairs. Mortifying."

"Most mortifying? Farting in the doctors'/nurses' faces when in labor. It was so quiet in there and the fart was sooooo loud. Haha!"

"A couple months ago, I nursed my son, reattached my bra, and walked outside, forgetting to close up my shirt. There were construction workers out there and my neighbors too. To this day I have no idea if anyone noticed. I happened to also be wearing my nude bra with a bright red design on it."

"Hubs and I were at a fancy restaurant. Waiter told me I had some food on my arm. Nope, poop. And I said that rather loudly."

"Pumping at work, there's a noise at the window. I forgot to pull the blinds down and there's a guy out there washing the windows."

"I was pumping at work, I had the door locked and apparently someone didn't understand that meant don't come in. Thankfully it was a guy I went to school with who went and got the key and opened the door. All I could manage was to grab the flanges and squeak out, "Shut the door." Not quite sure how much he saw because I initially just had the bottles propped on my lap."

"My boss was super freaked out about my pumping. Totally supportive, but freaked. The first time I pumped after going back to work, I didn't have it together right and I squirted milk everywhere. Not a big deal except I was in his private office and had nothing to clean up with. All over his desk and computer papers. I used a nursing pad and threw it into the trash can next to his desk. A day later he brings the breast pad out and asks the office, 'What is this?' I was mortified."

"I hate that I pooped in labor. And even while I was pregnant I peed myself twice. I've woken up with poop all over my arm from my toddler. So much poop nowadays."

"We took my little one to dinner with us at Applebee's when she was a few weeks old and had only been there an hour when I went to the bathroom. When I washed my hands and looked in the mirror I realized I had leaked through my bra, tank top and shirt. Hubby had been sitting next to me because we were in the half circle corner booth with family so no one was across from me. Who knows how long I leaked before anyone told me! I had no jacket and no way of covering up other than my little one's baby blanket and we had to finish eating and pay still. I was so embarrassed."

"I had just had my son, and every time I had to go to the bathroom while still in the hospital, I had to hurry off the bed and to the toilet. I was still wearing those overly attractive mesh underwear and the pads, so leaking a bit didn't bother me TOO badly....until one day when my husband had gone home to shower, and I was holding our son. I realized I had to go, so I tried to carefully scoot to the edge of the bed and put our son in the wheeled crib. We were told that if we went anywhere we had to take him with us, that he couldn't be left alone, and I wasn't supposed to walk with him, so I tried desperately to take the wheel locks off to roll him with me. I could make it work, so I tried to call the nurse to come watch him so I could pee, but halfway to the bed....the waterfall fell. I peed ALL OVER the floor. I was horrified that such a thing had happened, so I was crying, my son was crying. I was so embarrassed. I hobbled through the pee puddle for the nurse button but in doing so, I accidentally yanked it out of the wall, which is apparently a big alarm at the hospital because 2 nurses came running to see what was wrong. There I stood, in a sea of blood-tinged pee, crying that I'd needed to pee and couldn't get there in time. The head nurse clarified that as long as I was still in my room, even in the bathroom, my son could have been left in his crib for a few minutes by himself. My pee was mopped up, I was given new mesh sexy panties and a pad, and a new gown. My husband came back to a very flustered wife and a hilarious tale."

It happens to us all, mamas. Laugh. Enjoy the giggles, because while they suck that day, or even sometimes for a week after that, they eventually become some of our favorite tales.

It's An Oily Life

My history with essential oils goes back over a decade. When my family lived in Colorado my mom attended a Young Living party and bought a few oils, Peppermint and Grapefruit. We used them occasionally but certainly not to their potential and we didn't really study their capabilities. Fast forward over a decade, to when my crunchy life began, and I was introduced to a whole different way of living. All of a sudden I began to realize how crucial and amazing EOs are. I dug. I bought. I researched. And I began to kick pharmaceuticals out of my life. My mom did the same and signed up as a Young Living rep to get the discount (saving money, please!). She loves me, so she spoiled me, and bestowed upon me what I now call my survival kit. I keep on me at almost all times (or at least close to me) this little survival kit, which has tiny bottles of 11 different oils. Additionally, this summer when visiting my parents and in-laws for vacation, I got my fingers on several more.  I'd like to go into some detail what I use and why I use them.

First and foremost, let me explain. No, I'm not receiving commission from Young Living. Nor am I going to criticize someone's choice for using DoTerra or another brand of oils. It just so happens that I use YL. I like their blends, and what they've done for me, and when you have a mommy that gets a discount like I do...yes, please. I also am not even close to a professional on essential oil safety; the only ones using these oils are myself and my son (occasionally my daughter) so I decide how we handle it. There are many articles that talk about essential oil safety, so I recommend that you look them up and choose how you want to handle your family before you take my word as truth.

Lavender- Lavender has a calming effect, but it's also wonderful for killing the pain in small burns and scratches, while simultaneously healing them faster. I am the mother to a little boy. Hence, bumps, scrapes, and bruises are an almost daily factor of my life. J has gotten more than one abrasion on his face and I ALWAYS put lavender on it to help with the sting and pain, and to heal it faster. I've never been disappointed. Before I got a blend for it, I also used it to help him sleep easily and peacefully.

Thieves- I know many mommies (and daddies, I'm sure) who swear by Thieves. Known as the panacea of sickness, also as a wonderful bouncer against oncoming sickness, I confess to having rubbed a blend of Thieves and coconut oil on J's and G's chests and even throats when they have coughs and sore throats. I've rubbed it on my own. I was also given a spray that I use on my bug bites, which seem to be cropping up a lot more lately, as we seem to have a lot more mosquitoes in our monsoon season here in west Texas. Darn skeeters. Thieves is one of the oils that is not recommended for children, so please read the safety articles before you make your choice.

Pan Away- I don't honestly use this one as much, but for someone who frequently has body aches, I understand it does wonders. I did use it a couple months ago for a headache that just didn't seem to want to go away. I would probably use it on sore knees, stiff muscles, etc. I recently was at an oil information meeting and one of the ladies that tried it said that she'd arrived at the meeting that night with a stiff neck so bad, she couldn't turn her head, and within 5 minutes she felt great.

Lemon- There was a time when we were in the car, away from soap and water, and since I'm not the biggest fan of hand sanitizer, I pulled out my bottle of lemon EO and rubbed a drop on each of my kids' hands and made them rub it around. I felt more confident in clean hands, as lemon is an antibacterial, and isn't a funky chemical. I've heard of people using it to cleanse their cutting boards as well. I also add a drop of this to coconut oil for oil pulling, because I have texture issues that can be overridden if the taste is good enough. I added a drop of it plus a drop of lime EO to a glass bottle of water, and it's like healthy, non-fizzy Sprite. :D

Purification- This one is also beneficial for taking the pain out of bites and stings. It removes the poison from the site. I've used it a couple times on bug bites, before applying Thieves. I've also started diffusing it in the bathroom....;-)

Joy- One of my favorites. When my kids are throwing tantrums or someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed (including myself), I use it. A quick swipe across the forehead. Several months ago G was in a terrible 'tude. Grumpy, snipey, downright rude. I rubbed some Stress Away (to be discussed further down) and some Joy on her, and within 10 minutes her attitude had completely changed, and I'd convinced her of the success of oils. When she's at my house she asks for oils when she has an issue.

Peace and Calm- I will never take my son anywhere overnight without Peace and Calm around. He won't go to sleep without it anymore; it has become what calms him down after a nightmare, and part of his routine when it's time for bed. I've used it on G a few times too, when she's upset at night. It's the first EO I've bought a full bottle of, and I love it. I also keep a tiny bottle with my keys, so that I always have it on hand for a tantrum.

Peppermint- This is easily my most used oil, which is fortunate since it's not overly costly. I use peppermint for my headaches, for stomachaches and nausea....and have used it on both Hubs and G. G even asks for it if her belly hurts. It disappears quickly in my house because headaches are a frequent visitor to me.

Stress Away- Also one of my favorite oils. If you know anything about my life you know that there is no shortage of stress and anxiety that can appear almost daily, if not several times a day. Stress Away is my go to when I feel like I'm losing my grip on my temper; a drop of it rubbed on the back of my neck and I feel quite capable of calming down and looking at the situation as docile as possible, with logic and understanding. Thank you, YL people, for creating Stress Away. You have no idea the balm on my emotions that you've given me. It's possibly a big contributor to why my children are still alive. JOKING.

Valor- I've used it when I'm feeling nervous about the situation. It makes me feel brave, which may seem silly considering it's an oil, but it's true. When G feels upset and scared over how her life is going I might rub a bit of Valor on her and have a Mommy/daughter conversation with her. She perks right up.

Frankincense- There was a time when the only oils I had were in tiny little bottles, and at one point I ran out of Stress Away and was having a hard time. Through research, I learned that Frankincense was a suitable replacement for the time being, so I began using it during my bad moments, and pulled through just fine.

Citrus Fresh- Known as a mood-lifter, it helps with creativity, joy, and boosts the immune system. My mom sometimes diffuses it; she did while I was home and I felt like I was wandering through an orange grove in FL. I loved it.

M-Grain- What a wonderful product for those who suffer headaches. My dad gets them a lot and I know he uses it frequently. I've used it many times too and I find it works much faster than any of the pain pills like aspirin, ibuprophen or naproxen. I also feel better taking it, knowing that I'm using something healthy to help my pain, and not something that could be jeopardizing other parts of my body.

Ocotea- My mother was the one that seemed most interested in this, as it's been shown to help with high blood pressure, and it has a higher content of alpha humulene, which helps the body resist injury or irritation. I've not used it yet but I can think of a few members of my family (ahem, Hubs and MIL) that maybe should consider it.

Melaleuca alternifolia- Also known as tea tree oil. I LOVE melaleuca oil. It's wonderful for the occasional ear infections that J gets, as an antifungal additive for his cloth wipes, and to keep dandruff at bay. It may smell a little funky...but it's worth it.

DiGize- I've used it a few times when I feel like I may be eating something that needs a bit of help being digested, as this EO supports the digestive system.

Lime- Oh, yum. Lime is one of the key oils in the Stress Away blend, it's my favorite color, and it smells amazing. I've learned that I gravitate to lime anything.  It's good for respiratory issues and itchies.

Cedarwood- I have a good friend who diffuses it or applies it topically to her son when he's doing his homework (which is increasing in volume) to help him focus on it better. I diffused it for the first time today to help my son not be an Energizer bunny on crack. HA!

Dragon Time- Ponder it. Just ponder. What could Dragon Time refer to? If you're a woman, you probably know. Dragon Time is a blend aimed towards controlling the mood swings and other issues during "that" time. It can also help with some of the painful physical symptoms as well.

Surrender- J, bless his pea-pickin' heart, has his daddy's stubbornness. He can be very aggressive and angry, and is not shy in voicing his indignation. Not long ago we were engaged in a battle of wills and I wished desperately for a drop or two of Surrender to chill him out. I even asked my mom if she had some, and she didn't but she ordered some. :P I suspect I will bombard everyone with Surrender when there is a family disagreement.

Additionally, my first self-chosen adventure into EO world was due to a stiff neck that I had for 3 weeks. It got bad, and a dear friend of mine suggested a Korean remedy that was available at the Korean grocery store a bit north of us, known as White Flower. I rubbed some on my neck and the pain relief was quick and wonderful. Upon closer inspection, it's a blend of EO's. I keep it around and have used it on John's stiff neck. It smells a lot like Icy Hot, so I often compare it to that, considering it's a similar effect and purpose. Just less...lotiony.

I've been eyeing a few other oils, like Acceptance, Breathe Again (super-charged RC in a roll bottle), Forgiveness,  Gentle Baby, Grounding, Harmony, Raven, and maybe Sensation. and, goodness, maybe some singles too, though I do tend to gravitate to blends.

None of my comments about these oils are endorsed by Young Living, so don't hold any possible misconceptions against the company. It's simply my vision of them, and how I use them. Additionally, some people would rather use a different brand, and that's fine, as long as they don't force me to. :-P

I Twerk Better in Yoga Pants

One of my 3475283475239487294867 favorite movies is Stepford Wives. The remake of it, that is, with Nicole Kidman. If you've never seen it, I highly recommend, and no, not just because Roger Bart makes me fan-girl squeal. (Although he totally makes that movie...and The Producers. I'm just saying.) I love the premise. A woman's perfect world breaks down, she's transported to a village full of someone's idea of perfect couples, only to understand that she can't possibly maintain that because who and what she is works with who and what her husband, Walter (SIMBA) is. Ah, a feel good movie. Now, that said. There are several scenes where Joanna, Nicole's character, is made to feel terrible about the sense of fashion she enjoys, because, you know, a cheerful perfect wife wouldn't wear that. The "perfect" wife resembles June Cleaver, whom I hate on principle.

June Cleaver and her ilk were all fine and dandy in the 50's and 60's, but you know what I'm seeing more of? No more pearls and shin-length dresses and vacuums for days....I'm seeing moms that may look like a hot mess, but they don't give a flying fart in space because they're enjoying their babies. Dancing around in yoga pants and a t-shirt that should never see the light of day again, playing games, making art, making blanket forts in the living room, laughing at armpit farts. Let's be honest, folks. Isn't a mom that isn't afraid to make a fool of herself more memorable than the mom that's afraid of you making a mess? My favorite memories of my mom are when she played Barbies with me. When she got jiggy with it to goofy, unexplainable music in the middle of renovating the house. When we sat around the TV and ate Subway sandwiches and from behind I hear a college frathouse-worthy belch from the very depths. I like the light-hearted side of my mom. It's contagious.

I want to be that for my kiddos too. And no. This larger mama doesn't dance overly well (I am white, after all, and just have no sense of rhythm, period), but J doesn't know that. He has no issue giggling hysterically when Mommy dances like a dysfunctional babboon, and makes goofy noises and tosses bouncy balls around. He likes crawling all over "seepy Mommy". When he gets older I want him to remember dance parties with Mom, and singing like no one's listening in the car (at the top of my lungs, every single time). I want him to not care that Mommy didn't wear makeup on most days. She didn't style her hair every morning. But she was fun. She loved spending time with him. So yeah. Maybe I'm not in skinny jeans and the latest cute tank....but I do twerk better in yoga pants. More range of movement, ya know?

Fluff Butts

Admit it.  You're curious.  It used to be the only thing available and now you're seeing it come back again....but for the life of you you can't understand why. Who wants to deal with a poop or pee (or egads, both) laden scrap of fabric. Don't they leak? Don't they stink? Don't they take tons of work? Why wash a diaper when you can just throw it away?

When I started parenting I didn't even realize cloth diapering was still a thing. My ex had a diaper party BBQ and we just bought disposables.  That was it. Boxes upon boxes of diapers. Then before my son was born I heard about cloth diapers.  I was just starting my crunchy journey. I love my husband and lovingly refer to him as Ebenezer Scrooge. So when I shopped I looked for the cheapest cloth I could find and found a killer deal. I reasoned with myself that this way I would never have a situation that if I ran out of disposables in a given pay period, my son would still have a covering on his butt. Ever the Boy Scout theory: always prepared.  But the more I researched, the more I wanted to do it full time. Then I got the box and started playing with the diapers to understand them....I was hooked. They weren't especially cute: just prefolds and white covers. But I began imagining the possibilities. I began to dream of never buying disposables.  Imagine...His whole diapering career completed in $50! I was over the moon! 

My husband was not so amused. We ended up doing disposables for quite awhile ("you act like I can't afford him!") until I got the bombshell in my mom group that the synthetic plastics in disposables act like estrogen.  Um...I don't know about you, but I'm not overly eager to shove estrogen on my son's family jewels. That's just me though.  I still use disposables occasionally,  and if he's teething I'll use one overnight to keep his butt dry because his...expulsions are acidic. But otherwise my son is in cloth diapers.  Over the months I've learned more about the styles, the options,  and unfortunately,  the designs....which make me want to spend big money. Like the Winnie the Pooh diaper I saw here. But my fallback is still my cheap prefolds and covers.  AIOs (all-in-ones) are also wonderful if you're terrified of the idea of diaper pins or folding it. AI2s (I think you can guess what this one is) are similar but the insert isn't attached to the main part of the diaper. There are far more types and adjustments and oh, the designs.  I highly recommend looking into them if you find yourself looking for cheaper and/or healthier ways to care for your baby.  Prepping them and taking care of them isn't all that difficult or time consuming either.
As we close in on our homesteading days, I'm finding a whole new value to these things. They can be washed! Reused! Be still, my beating hard! My son is nearing the end of his diapering days; I plan to spend the next two days working hard to potty train him, but there is another little one in the talks, if not the works (obviously, since Hubs is deployed). Bump. Set. SPIKE! I win.

Parenting Metamorphosis

Everyone starts out their parenting journey with specific ideas of what they want to do, how they think things will go, how they intend to handle certain situations. And then the kiddos come along and sometimes plans get thrown up in the air, sometimes they work. What's for certain is that parenting is never what we expect it will be. We learn things as we go along, what works and what doesn't, why we do what we do, why we want to change what we've done. I've been a parent for six and a half years. I join millions of women who have been parents, some for less time and some for far, far longer, and not one mom is going to parent exactly the same as the other, so there is no one right way to parent a child. There are different ways to do everything and as long as a mommy (or a daddy, of course) is doing their honest, hard and true best to be the best parent they can be, there should be acceptance and maybe even an attempt to understand it. As the mother of two, I have been down several different roads. My daughter is my oldest. I have learned and changed much since she was born, and my son sees the fruit of that. I have continued learning and the next child will see even more differences than his/her older brother saw. Research and experience and gut feelings are why I do what I do, but my way is not always appropriate for others, so keep that in mind as you read my journey.

Note: I brought this over from my "crunchy" blog because I plan to purge that one. I know, I have been through a lot of blogs, but this one...should be easier to continue.

Stupid Vaccine War

This whole vaccination debate in the news and all over the internet is driving me absolutely insane, but one big thing I'm noticing is the absolute, irrational HATRED for the respective sides. What happened to live and let live? Oh, I know what the pro side says, "Because HERD IMMUNITY." "Because SCIENCE."

So, let me present something to both sides. I don't know (nor do I care) which side you fall on. I don't. I used to, and that didn't really get me far, except a desperate need for chill pills. I HAVE learned something from my days as a foamy-mouthed opinionated mama bear though: being a jerk will get you nowhere fast. If you expect to be taken seriously, remaining calm, and maybe a dab of compassion and desire for understanding, taking a real interest in the other person, will do far better. You still probably won't win that person to your side, if they have cemented their feet in their cause, but at least you'll walk away from it with your dignity and pride intact.

Back during my rabid bear days, I got in keyboard warrior battles over how right I was (still believe I am, but that's besides my point today). I could belittle with the best of them. I had joined enough support/information groups for my cause that we circulated the information the other side was so fond of and worked together to debunk it, shut it down, find information to smack it to the ground. (I'm still part of those groups too, but I've most definitely learned a more effective way to use the information I glean.) I was nasty and combative, so horrible things were said about me and mine too. Fight fire with fire, you know? All that conjured was a nasty blaze of immaturity. Nothing of worth was flying back and forth from behind our snow forts of opinion.

And then.....my AHA moment. I was approached by a dear friend about an issue that was not forefront on my mind, but was on hers. She private messaged me and asked why I felt the way I did. I laughed and told her that it was a story I doubt she'd care about. She didn't care. She wanted to understand my POV. And so I told her my story. I was somewhat defensive, but I tried to keep my tude down because she'd obviously not approached me with any tude. She listened with silence until the end, and then said, "I see. Well, I still don't agree with you, and I still hope you choose not to, but I understand why you feel you must." And that was it. She left it. I didn't know what to make of that, holy cow! No threats of being an awful mom, no anger of having a different opinion! I kept my opinion at that point, but the tops of my walls against the other side started crumbling. A little crack here, a chip there. And then...and then. Months later. ANOTHER dear friend, also known as a gentle friend, approached me under friendly terms, and with a total, blindsiding, "Hey, did you know..." sort of comment, took a wrecking ball to my walls. Big bada boom. She presented me with facts and fielded my initially defensive questions with calm, kind, compassionate information. We had a long conversation that day, and by the end of it....MY MIND HAD CHANGED. At no point did she offer insults, criticism or judgement. Simple facts, an offer of understanding, and true desire to simply answer questions I had. Now, I side with her, and the original dear friend, on that stance. I haven't persuaded my husband yet, but through my effort to approach him the way I was approached, he's at least opened up to the idea of researching it all.

I say all this to ALL of you vaccine debaters. Pro people...telling these parents that they're killing your kids because they refuse to vaccinate their own is NOT going to get you anywhere. Most people (I emphasize most, because there's always an exception to the bulk) that don't vaccinate will not fall for that argument for a variety of reasons, and if you ask them kindly, you may be surprised at why. No, you don't know it all. Accusing them of following Wakefield and Jenny McCarthy will also not get you anywhere because most non-vaxing parents don't care about either of those people either. Your best bet is to EDUCATE yourself on why non-vaxing parents refuse, what their reasons are. You make yourself look like a bleating sheep when you chant the usually-false reasons. Jenny, Wakefield, autism, hippy....try again. Non-vaxers are STILL doing what they feel is best for their child, regardless of your chants of SCIENCE or HERD IMMUNITY. They are not community minded because the community is never going to do for their child what they are willing to do. Everyone for themselves.

Anti-vax people...I get it. You're frustrated from being accused by the same old, same old. And that's just what it is, old. If there's an argument or accusation out there against your stance, you've heard it before. But reacting with venom is not going to get you anywhere either. Rise above. Each side of this debate has an element of fear in it, and fear is a powerful driver. It can overwhelm. Pro-vaxers are scared you're going to hurt their babies by bringing back awful diseases. You can related to the fear for your children's safety, can't you, even if you believe it's a different danger? Realize that they are scared for their kids. Whether they've done the scientific research to come to their conclusion or they're just listening to their doctor, above all, they are doing what they feel best for their child, and don't understand why you don't find the same results they do. If they get mean, walk away. If they're open to an educated discussion, keep your head straight and on your shoulders.

Stop the hate wars. This is all stupid, and while you may win someone to your side at the time, chances are the other side is winning someone to their side somewhere else. At this rate, the war won't end until the world does, or some massive truth comes forward.