Raw

Sometimes the pain is just a dull flame. It burns, but not agonizingly so, and it has burned for so long you've almost trained yourself to ignore it. But then sometimes, just a little thing, a little puff of air can make it flare up so strong that you can't even look at yourself in the mirror anymore.

I've talked and coached myself into this hollow, smiley mask of life, going about my days, raising my son and preparing for my future, but I can't deny it anymore. A massive part of my heart is missing.

I wasn't ready for her, I didn't want her, I didn't want my life to go down that path, but I made the choices that opened it up to her anyways, and then she came, and I realized, even if I didn't want my life to go that way, I loved her despite it all, and I would risk losing what I thought was my only chance at the life I thought I wanted, because she was worth the risk. She was the innocent one, she hadn't asked for any of it. I ended up getting what I thought I wanted anyways, but it wasn't. We settled for each other, and she paid the price for it. And then when we couldn't settle anymore, we turned her into our tug-o'-war rope and started yanking. She didn't ask for that. She doesn't even remember it, but you could see it affected her. And then we yanked harder, and harder....and I lost. And now here I sit, wearing this mask for the world, trying to go on with my life, but no one the secrets I hide inside. No one sees the pain, the levels of complicated pain, no one sees the hurt. I don't think I do either, until I see something that forces me to deal with it, and then it comes out in tears, in horrible thoughts, in mood swings. And then he pays the price for those. Two innocent lives, marked and defaced by poor choices. Two others that jumped in blindly, in love, and desire to be there....and now hurt. And then the two offenders, who only went down that road from pre-existing pain, and desperation. So many lives hurt now.

This is me. Raw. And if you don't understand anything I've said, that's fine; it's mostly for me. If you do.....just remember.