And Now, A Word from Both Mommies...

Amy: Every mother's worst nightmare is, of course, something happening to their baby...but that only precedes being replaced. If I were to die, I would want Husband to eventually move on, to find someone that would love our son as I do, and would be willing to make sure that J learns about his mom, that he has access to pictures, that his daddy tells him why he loved me, why he married me, how J resembles me. Even before I had kids I would have wanted something like that. But I never imagined feeling replaced when I was still alive. And so when my relationship with X came to a bitter, horrible death, it wasn't a hope, but a fear. Things were....tense, and in the heat of the moment, once, X even TOLD me he was trying to replace me with M2, because I was a terrible mom. Talk about a great way to put a damper on the relationship. 

After years of tension, turmoil, and drama, things were miserable. We were all suspicious, stressed, and it was way too easy for a mountain to be made out of a molehill. In fact, that happened rather often. We've since boiled it down to a severe case of miscommunication, or lack of communication in some cases, and have changed our tunes. It hasn't been easy though, and for most birth moms, it can be a lifelong battle. If you are a biological mom, having to deal with the "other mom" in your kids life, here are some things you should consider.

1) No one can replace you. Unless you are a mean, abusive person, you are Mommy, and if you treat your kids right, they won't forget that. M2 entered G's life when she was about a year and a half old, but there has been no time when M2 has tried to replace me herself, and when I finally stopped wearing my butt as a hat, we were able to communicate our discomfort and preferences in civility, and therefore establish the respect that should have been there from the beginning. M2 is not referred to as Mommy, as per my comfort level and her respect for that. G calls her by her first name. She's asked but as far as I can tell she's never actually done it. Likewise, G has asked to call Husband "Daddy" but she doesn't, and Husband has, before, insisted that G stick to his first name since she has a daddy already. Like I said, unless you are mean and abusive, you are Mommy. Pure and simple. M2 can tell you a story about that if she so chooses.

2) Mutual respect and communication are vital to survive any sort of co-parenting effort, and they are vital to the benefit of the shared child. G sensed, and fed off of, the chaos that we all lived in for years. She had a few behavioral problems and eventually learned how to get perks from our constant state of disagreement. When M2 and I finally learned to work together to stop her taking advantage, she acted up a bit, but then settled down when she realized that we were on the same team and weren't going to let her get away with anything anymore. Even now, when there's an issue, whether it be her attitude or something she's doing at school, or us just needing her to know that what she's doing won't be acceptable anywhere she goes, we simply let each other know and it's addressed. There have been times where she's had issues there and M2 asked me to say something to her, and so things got better for a bit when "Mommy knew." Furthermore, we have learned not to hold issues in, let them fester, and then explode out in a moment of tension and disagreement. When something comes up, we address it, talk out intentions, feelings, and resolutions. In the last year since custody was determined, we have come a long way.

3) It's gonna get awkward. Talk it out and laugh it away. This past weekend I went to X and M2's state to surprise G for her birthday party. It was a BLAST planning it with M2, but the time required me to spend most of a day with X, which was awkward, and a decent bit of his family and friends that I haven't seen since before we broke up. Talk about nerve-wracking. I left Husband and J at home, because J causes chaos wherever he goes and that seemed like a disaster in the making, not to mention Husband is not to the peace point that M2 and I are, and so that seemed like more drama waiting to be had. It was a wonderful weekend, and I'm glad I went...but yes, it got awkward, and yes, M2 and I laughed some away, and hashed some out once I got home. The more you talk to someone with the mindset that no matter what happens, you are going to control your attitude and behavior, the better things will get.

4) Forgive. Whether it started out bad and got worse, or just a few things happen, you will not do your child or yourself any favors by holding grudges. Jesus calls for us to forgive over and over again, and as I've gotten older and have had a lot of experience in needing to forgive, I've come to the conclusion that it may or may not make the person you're forgiving feel better...but it will definitely help YOU feel better, and it makes you act more like a calm, compassionate person. That person you become when you forgive can only be a good thing for your child to see. God forgave me much worse transgressions. Nothing X or M2 has done to me can be anywhere as awful as how I've hurt God, but He forgave me. I've said some awful things to people I love, and have been forgiven. Forgive. It helps, I promise, even if all you want to do is hold a grudge forever and make them pay for it. 

5) Learn when and how to say something, and when to keep quiet. There's not a lot we have to keep quiet about anymore, but we had to work to get to this point, and even then, it's not like I want to blurt out the first thing that comes to my mind, because sometimes my mind is a jerk. Honey attracts more bees than vinegar, my friends. And like the last one, if the other person hasn't learned when and how to be quiet or when and how to say something, forgive, and give some leeway. 

Now, you may be a stepmom, and not a biological mom. Lucky for you, because this blog, and it's accompaniment, was M2's idea, and so she's writing the half for stepmoms. And so, I present to you, M2. :)

M2: This past weekend got me thinking. It was nice to finally be at this point in our relationship where we are able to be around each other for more than 10 minutes and be friendly. I mean, actually friendly. Not that fake nice, where everyone knows it’s fake. I hugged M1 when she arrived & when she left. I think I’ve only ever hugged her 1 other time. I look back at my time hop & think “man we’ve come so far.” When I entered this life, things were already on the bad side. Co-parenting was non-existent. Communication was non-existent. I wanted to help pull things together so bad. I’m a child of divorce. My bm is a complete idiot & my step-mom is an amazing lady. I saw the fighting & saw what it did to kids. I didn’t want that for G. I know what it’s like to want your mom so bad it hurts but nothing you do changing her being there. I didn’t want that for G either.

There was a time of jealousy on both of our parts. The emotions got the better of us. I’ve always told M1 that I’m not here to replace her. I’m hoping that’s apparent now. I know it wasn’t back then. I just wanted a place too. I wanted to be loved & accepted by G & M1. I know not all SM’s are in that frame of mind but please don’t think we are all bad. M1 & I joke about my wart or my broom. We have that relationship now. The relationship now is night & day different than even a year ago. Court, lack of communication, & hate do a number on people & relationships. 3 court hearings, 3 states (almost 4), 2 weddings, 1 baby, infertility, and a number of emotions later, here we are. All of these things have impacted our lives more than you will ever know. In the end, it is what brought us together. I wouldn’t have B or G without M1. She is a blessing in her own way to me. More than she will ever know. If she hadn’t moved back to IN and brought G & B along, B & I wouldn’t have ever met. Had she never moved to AZ and had G, I wouldn’t have B or G in my life. See where I’m going with this? Yes people have been hurt but to me, the good outweigh the bad. I’d take the pain of those few years all over again over not having either of them in my life. So without M1, none of this would have been possible. For that I owe her everything. So why would I ever want to replace the woman that gave me something I myself am not able to create? That is where I stand with it. No, we may not agree on parenting styles or political views but what does that have to do with loving 1 little girl?? So here are my tips on getting along with the birth mother of your step child:

1)      Communication!!! This one is my number one. Just like with any relationship communication is key. Without it your trust goes out the window. Just as M1 stated, G tried to get away with a few things. She got away with it in the past. Not so much anymore.
2)      Trust. This is another big one. It comes with communication. You have to trust that the other parent is trying to do what they think is best for the child. Just because what you think is best is different than what they think is best, doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
3)      Don’t be jealous. I’ve struggled with this one. Not because I‘m jealous of her life but because she has given life to such an amazing little girl. Maybe this is something only infertile people can relate to. I hate not being able to give B OR G a baby. I’ve come to terms with it now. The whole infertility thing is a monster on its own. I’ve talked to her about this as well. It’s not for everyone but being honest about it helps me.
4)      Be honest. Don’t lie or hide things. It just makes the others suspicious & not trust you. There’s no reason to lie or hide things (unless you are being abusive). Lying leads to all sorts of issues. Just don’t do it. K?

I’m sure there are more but I think we’ve both touched the basics for now. Everyone has different ways of dealing with them. Why deal with them alone? Why not handle them head on together? Wish this would have happened a long time ago. I’m thankful & happy it is now though. We now are friends on multiple social media pages, we co-parent so much better, we interact with each other’s families (most of them), etc. Life is getting better is what I’m trying to get at. Now if the boys could get on similar pages. We all know they won’t be on the same because, well, girls get along better than guys. In due time hopefully. B has come a long way. He was wonderful this weekend with everything. Little awkwardness here & there but that’s to be expected, right? They rode an hour home together in the same truck & even talked about politics. Gasp! They survived, lol.

At the party this last weekend. #butfirstlemmetakeaselfie

From our "2 Mommies 1 Baby" photo shoot around Thanksgiving

Pretty much sums up the first few years of knowing each other.

Raw

Sometimes the pain is just a dull flame. It burns, but not agonizingly so, and it has burned for so long you've almost trained yourself to ignore it. But then sometimes, just a little thing, a little puff of air can make it flare up so strong that you can't even look at yourself in the mirror anymore.

I've talked and coached myself into this hollow, smiley mask of life, going about my days, raising my son and preparing for my future, but I can't deny it anymore. A massive part of my heart is missing.

I wasn't ready for her, I didn't want her, I didn't want my life to go down that path, but I made the choices that opened it up to her anyways, and then she came, and I realized, even if I didn't want my life to go that way, I loved her despite it all, and I would risk losing what I thought was my only chance at the life I thought I wanted, because she was worth the risk. She was the innocent one, she hadn't asked for any of it. I ended up getting what I thought I wanted anyways, but it wasn't. We settled for each other, and she paid the price for it. And then when we couldn't settle anymore, we turned her into our tug-o'-war rope and started yanking. She didn't ask for that. She doesn't even remember it, but you could see it affected her. And then we yanked harder, and harder....and I lost. And now here I sit, wearing this mask for the world, trying to go on with my life, but no one the secrets I hide inside. No one sees the pain, the levels of complicated pain, no one sees the hurt. I don't think I do either, until I see something that forces me to deal with it, and then it comes out in tears, in horrible thoughts, in mood swings. And then he pays the price for those. Two innocent lives, marked and defaced by poor choices. Two others that jumped in blindly, in love, and desire to be there....and now hurt. And then the two offenders, who only went down that road from pre-existing pain, and desperation. So many lives hurt now.

This is me. Raw. And if you don't understand anything I've said, that's fine; it's mostly for me. If you do.....just remember.

I WORK OUT!!!

I'm tired of being fat. About a week and a half ago, I was perusing through my Instagram feed that I hadn't seen in a week, and caught sight of a pic of my cousin. I grew up with this cousin. She's an adult now; she has a daughter of her own and is establishing her life. I remember when she was the bratty younger cousin that always wanted the pink stuff, and how I had to give it up because I was older. I love her dearly...and sometimes it hurts to see how amazing she looks, because of how frumpy I look. That night my mood broke. I'd had a great weekend, but when I looked up from a gorgeous picture of my cousin to the mirror image of me....it was all I could do to hold off the tears. Then J decided to do some exercise with Husband and I decided to join. Husband was all for it and attempted to help, but when I couldn't even do 3 situps without struggling, the dam broke. I cried for ages, and poor Husband, not even knowing what had me so upset, just laid there with me, rubbing my back, while little J kept looking down at me and saying, "What'sa matter, Mama?" I couldn't answer, because I knew the anger I felt at myself would overflow and be misdirected to them, and furthermore, I couldn't stop crying long enough to speak anyways.

That was the beginning. Every day since then, Sunday excepted, I have either done cardio or muscle failure. I have plantar fasciitis, possibly a shin splint on the other leg, and I think I broke my toe yesterday, but I refuse to let that slow me down. I lay down at night and think about working out the next day. I have begun to consider lifting weights. Training to run. Ways to leave my son at home while I walk/run so that it is less taxing on me, therefore enabling me to run further or easier. I'm tired of being fat.

Things are changing in my world. I'm very excited for them, and I can't wait to invite you on my journey. A few things about my special considerations.

Plantar fasciitis: It's another name for heel spurs. When I wake up sometimes, my heels hurt so bad I can barely walk on them. It got worse as my exercise got more intense. Yesterday, I found a compression sock at Dick's Sporting Goods especially for that purpose, which is the black thing you see in the picture.

Broken toe (?): I have no idea if it is broken. I stubbed my toe, literally, on the side of J's foot, when he was underfoot while I got his reward for going on the potty. It's a lovely purple shade and bending it hurts. I still managed to plank and do pushups last night though. Score one for determination.

Shin splint (?): Again, I have no idea if this is what is is, but my right shin hurts when I walk. Again, score one for determination; I ran this morning. Not far, because I am VERY out of shape and I hate running, but I did run.

Supplementation: I have hypothyroidism, which means my metabolism is all messed up, and it's worse when you factor in missed meals, something I have a tendency to do, I've begun replacing certain meals with protein shakes, and as I have a supply of it, my protein powder of choice is ProFit, by It Works! Global. Same peeps that produce my lovely Greens. If I'm wanting a more elegant shake, I use vanilla, because the flavor is masked a bit better. If I'm wanting a quick one, I make a chocolate one with milk, because then it's like a weird chocolate milk that I can quick shake and chug. Either way, it works and then I'm usually good to the next meal.

If you're starting to work out, tell me about your experiences, your goals, and your progress. When we come alongside each other, we're more likely to succeed!