On a more serious note...

As I've grown up I've developed some opinions. (GASP! Amy, opinionated? NEVER.) I've also put some passion behind some of these opinions, and some of them have become rabbit-holes of eye-openers. When J was still baking, I didn't really research. Goodness knows I didn't while G was baking either, but I was also almost 5 years younger with her, so that's not entirely surprising. There were a couple of events that happened that sparked my interest when G was tiny, but I didn't take them very far until after J was born. Then, it was like the dam broke. The research began and didn't stop. I was still on the fence until he was 2 months, and then I hopped off and made my final decision, with the support of Husband, of course. We've stuck to that, but once you start down that particular path, it leads to others. It started with vaccines, which lead to western medicine in general. Diapers. Oils. Even circumcision. In some aspects, I'm a complete opposite, and I've done the research to be firm on my positions. But one particular issue never hit me until I made friends with G's stepmom...and now, while I've not done crazy amounts of research about it, I'm definitely more sensitive and aware of it.

G's stepmom, we'll call her M2 for Mommy #2, struggles with infertility. It's a tragic situation for any woman to be in, let alone one who wants children of her own as badly as M2 does. There was a time in my life, that I'm very ashamed of, but need to come clean on, that I sorta saw it as God's "message" that she shouldn't have children, and for that, I publicly apologize to her. That was mean. It wasn't very Christ-like of me. I've come to an inner peace since then, because I was angry at her and my ex for fighting against me for custody of G. It still hurts, today, to have lost G, but working with M2 on it all has made me feel better, I get plenty of access to my girl, and I've made a new friend. Now, I realize that Jeremiah 29:11 applies to her just like it applies to me. God has a plan for her. And through it all I've learned what jokes are inappropriate, the pain that comes with trying to have a baby...and while I know she tells me not to, I still feel a bit guilty that having babies comes so easy to me and not to her. I've talked to her about this; I know there was a time when she was so upset that I could have babies and she couldn't. I ALSO know that when she found out I was pregnant with J, it was a VERY hard day for her, and likely longer than a day.

So, I invite you to just review these statistics, and keep in mind these hints about being courteous to someone who is dealing with infertility.

• Infertility is NOT an inconvenience; it is a disease of the reproductive system that impairs the body's ability to perform the basic function of reproduction.
   
• Impaired fecundity (the inability have a child) affects 6.7 million women in the U.S. -- about 11% of the reproductive-age population (Source: National Survey of Family Growth, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention [CDC] 2006-2010).
   
• In a survey of married women, the CDC found that 1.5 million women in the US (6%) are infertile (Source: National Survey of Family Growth, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention [CDC] 2006-2010).
   
• Infertility affects men and women equally.
   
• Twenty-five percent of infertile couples have more than one factor that contributes to their infertility.
   
• In approximately 40 percent of infertile couples, the male partner is either the sole cause or a contributing cause of infertility.
   
• Irregular or abnormal ovulation accounts for approximately 25 percent of all female infertility problems.
   
• Most infertility cases -- 85% to 90% -- are treated with conventional medical therapies such as medication or surgery.
   
• While vital for some patients, in vitro fertilization and similar treatments account for less than 3% of infertility services, and about (or approximately) seven hundredths of one percent (0.07%) of U.S. health care costs.
   
• Twelve percent of all infertility cases are a result of the woman either weighing too little or too much.
   
• It is possible for women with body weight disorders to reverse their infertility by attaining and maintaining a healthy weight.
   
• Men and Women who smoke have decreased fertility.
   
• The risk of miscarriage is higher for pregnant women who smoke.
   
• Up to 13 percent of female infertility is caused by cigarette smoking.
   
• Chlamydia causes about 4 to 5 million infections annually in the United States. If left untreated, chlamydia can cause infertility. 

Tips:

1) April Fools' pregnancy jokes are NOT okay. They're painful to someone who would LOVE to announce to their significant others that they're pregnant....and can't. For any reason. So when April 1st comes around and you start hunting for jokes to play, pack away the fake positive pregnancy test. 

2) Sometimes people with infertility just need time to brace themselves. In M2's case, sometimes baby shower invites and pregnancy announcements are painful for a bit, but that doesn't mean she's not happy for the mommy to be, it means that she really really REALLY wants to be doing the same thing. So give her some space, let her get her bearings and eventually, she'll be able to keep on keeping on.

3) If she reaches out to you, listen. Sometimes she just needs a listening ear. Be compassionate. Try to understand as best as you can, which may not be far, but still try. 

4) This one is a bit case-by-case, so I'll tell you what I know about M2. I've often worried and wondered about the emotional pain of having J around when I go to pick up G for a visit. I've mentioned as much, because while I feel bad if it hurts her, I also know I don't always have an option. J is pretty much with me all the time; rare is the time I can/will leave him home all day. I've left him a few times when I didn't have to drive the whole way, but as of yet it's not been possible. Additionally, as there are no tiny children in her home, it's not J-proof. Sometimes even my home isn't J proof, so I worry that she'll have precious things at risk of being broken because J is a turd. But she's told me it doesn't bother her, and this last time, she and X treated us to pizza for lunch, which of course gave J plenty of time to run around the house and cozy up to X (slightly awkward, but still endearing since X doesn't seem to mind how close J gets to him, physically). I asked her how it was, and she said she liked having little people around the house (even if J did slop dog water all over the floor...). Obviously, knowing the preferences of the person involved are a must, so maybe that's my point. Get to know the person, and what hurts, what doesn't. I'm not saying you have to constantly tip-toe around them, because you know, still gotta live life. I would feel HORRIBLE if J's presence gave M2 massive heartache, but alas, I can't usually leave J at home, so I'd adjust to keep his presence and reminder in her day at a minimum. It's courtesy, people. Get to know them, learn what makes them tick and what hurts, and then do unto others, ya know? 

5) Don't make it seem like nothing when you're trying to be there for them. It's not nothing. Don't blow it off, don't make jokes like they're lucky, don't act like you know what's causing it so you know how to fix it. And don't suggest lifestyle changes. Be sympathetic without advice. Advice from you is very likely not welcome. If they wanted it they'd ask for it. 

6) Pray for them. And tell them you're doing so. Rejoice in any good news they tell you, be a shoulder to lean on during the bad news times. Pray with them, if they're open to that. Jesus loves them too, and He knows they're hurting. 

Now, I hope that when M2 reads this (she will, eventually) she agrees with what I've said. She may even expand on it, and if she does, I'll probably update this with her expansions. If you don't get it....think of it this way. Sometimes, being a mom around a friend with infertility is like being the rich friend of a poor person. Rubbing it in their face doesn't help. Obviously, I can't give J to M2 (Husband would have a heart attack), and X has custody of G so M2 and X are raising her....but rubbing J into her face would be mean. Heartless. Even when things were bad I wouldn't have done it. In court, she had to admit that, and while I wasn't her biggest fan back then, Husband and I went home, telling each other that we felt bad for her in that moment, and we wouldn't wish that on our worst enemy. It hurts. And it hurts those who are close to those who suffer themselves, because we care about them. I care about M2, what happens to her and X, and I know that they suffer from this. I wish I could take that pain away from them but all I can do is be a supportive ear and shoulder, and pray for them. Jesus can take the pain away far easier than I can, but that's His call, not mine. So until we see His plan, I will continue being a shoulder to lean on, as God intended me to be.