Raindrops on Roses and Whiskers on Kittens

I just want to take a moment to tell you about me. I mean, from my blog posts you can get a pretty good idea about my political opinions, the ideas that weigh deeply on my heart, etc, etc, and that's a wonderful way to get to know someone. You'll keep getting that way too; this is my blog, after all. But sometimes some of the more trivial things are the ones that I don't share very well. So, here we go.

The one on the left is me. That's G on the right. She's a goof. But this is about me, not her, so let's continue. Right now I have short hair, and that's not even the most recent, but in my defense I dyed my hair 2 days ago so getting a decent, recent (HEY THAT RHYMES) picture of me is not in the cards right now. I cut it all off last year after court and a major personal crisis, because I needed a big change and chopping all my hair off seemed like the way to go since it's hot and hair grows, right? Wrong. I mean, it does grow, but I will NEVER do that again. G cut her hair to just under her chin about a week ago, and my hair is STILL not as long as hers. I miss my long hair. I'm making this grow-it-out phase as good as I can get it, but...no. Just no. Never again. My favorite part about me is my eyes, which I got from my father, and as far as I can tell, my kids got them too. (G had help from her dad, who has blue eyes as well, but J defies logic from his brown-eyed daddy.) The color of hair in that picture actually is MINE. There wasn't a bit of fake color. 

This was me in November of my senior year in high school, before kids and poor choices took their toll on me. Shiny, thick hair, skinnier, clean complexion, cute clothes. Now I look a bit frumpy after weight gain and stress from life. I was a bit of a goofy, light-hearted class clown, not as funny as a real class clown, cracking jokes and all, but I could be fun and enjoy light-hearted things with the best of them. There's a couple pictures in my senior portrait portfolio that have me laughing, because my photographer, the mother of another school buddy, had also taken pictures of my best friend, Josh, and told me how he couldn't stop laughing throughout the pictures...which of course made me laugh, because Josh's joy is contagious. So, here, therefore, is a picture of stereotypical Amy: 

I love wry humor, slapstick humor, clever humor. I love to laugh. Dave Barry is one of my favorite humor authors because he makes jokes about Richard Nixon in weasel neckties and other moments of hilarity. His comparisons are enough to, literally, make me laugh out loud. I love funny everything. Movies, live shows, stand-up shows....if it makes me laugh I'll probably want to keep indulging in it, or even expand on it.

I'm stubborn. Several people can attest to this, but I'm self-aware enough to admit so. I'm stubborn on my political opinions, surrounding my kids, I have a strong sense of justice, so if I sense an injustice occurring that I can fight, I will. If not, I'll probably sulk and be a bit bitter for a while. But I also have compassion, especially for, goodness knows why, little old men. Haha, I have no idea what it is about little old men plodding around doing their thing, but they tweak my heartstrings without even trying. Add in another factor, like injured, alone, homeless, and I can barely stand it. 

I have a hot head. I'm working to fix it, and I recently read something that, while true, was no excuse. Still, it properly explained how I feel. Moms are almost always on edge. There's so many things on our plate that stress or day drama adding to it, sometimes even just a little, can send us over the edge from calm and level-headed to red-faced baboon. Now, I do not quite have the drama and tension I had for several years, up to a year ago, but there's a different stress in my life, and I don't think I've entirely managed to deal with what was already there, so sometimes I wake up with the attitude of, "If even one thing goes wrong..."which, of course, it inevitably does, because J is a very busy little 2 year old boy. Again, though, working on it. Being a hot head is not something I want my kids doing too. 

I love rain. And if it's raining, the ideal music is Enya, or something soft and peaceful. Then there must be tea, a good book, and snuggling. I like videogames, but not really action based. I like the roleplaying/strategy type of stuff. Sims, Farm Simulator, Civilization, that sort of thing (we own all 3 of those). I need coffee in the mornings; sometimes it's my sanity for the day. I want to be organic and healthy, but right now that's expensive, and sometimes difficult. Someday I'll get there.

I love fantasy. Worlds that could exist now, or done so in the past. For example: Lord of the Rings. Harry Potter. Star Wars. Hunger Games. I suppose I could be included in the Harry Potter generation; I've read all the books and own all the movies. There was a time when G learned how to say "Harry Potter" in a British accent, and called them, "Mommy's movies." Lord of the Rings is a favorite going back many years, into high school when the movies were coming out and we used to have field trips to see them. I own the whole trilogy in one book version, and all the movies in extended editions. Star Wars was a world I discovered in high school when I found my dad's VHS trilogy tape set, and watched them....and got hooked. I watched them over, and over, and over, and now I own all 6 movies. Hunger Games speaks more to my political positions, of being done taking the government's crap lying down. It speaks to my inner rebel, the one that cries for a better life for my kids. So, therefore, I'm waiting impatiently for November when the 2nd Mockingjay movie comes out. I've had my times of liking Twilight, and own all the books and the movies, but I'll never be able to get into those like I have the other 4. 

I asked on my FB how people would describe me as if they're describing themselves, so not trying to brag about attributes, and someone commented, "Courageous." I'm not sure how I feel about it. I've been inclined, in the past, to speak my mind about current issues, using my own life experiences and pain to relate to it and explain it, and have been called brave and courageous. I guess I don't feel that way. I lived the life I lived, I've survived it. There has been at least one complete breakdown, and there have been lessons learned from that, and other painful experiences. I may not always go into detail, but I feel that if it helps someone else, then my story should be told, if even one person can see my story, see my pain, past and present, and make a different choice that saves them from that pain. I don't know if that's what qualifies for courage, but it's important to me. I was put on this earth to glorify God, and some of my choices haven't done that, so I do the next best thing I can: turn myself into a "what NOT to do" example. Anyone who knows me and what I've gone through can't deny that I have suffered greatly for my choices. 

Someone else said, "Forgiving." I can see this. That said, it's also somewhat biased, because often, in instances where I am forgiving, I've been at fault too, so it's not like I'm some high-and-mighty being that condescends to forgive some lesser, offensive being. A prime example is with X and M2. Now, someone biased may see my attempts to be friendly as forgiving, or even foolish (depending on how they still feel about it all) but to me, it's smart. X and I are stuck together, in some way, shape or form, to the end of G's days. She's still in school, and after that is college, and a job, and a wedding, family, which entails grandkids....we are linked because we made her. For me to be obnoxious and unforgiving, or less than humble, not only makes it hard on X and M2, but on G and myself too. And then J and Husband suffer as well. It is in EVERYONE'S best interest to forgive, ask for forgiveness, hold no bitterness or grudge, and to move on as civilly, even friendly, as possible. M2 and I have managed that, even when we disagree about something, and let me tell you, life is a lot easier now than it has been in years, because we try so hard to be friends, even outside the realm of co-parenting G. 

Lovable and intelligent were two more suggestions. Now, lovable depends on my mood. I'm sorta prickly when I'm mad, and I'm sure Husband would snort if he saw that. "YOU DON'T HAVE TO LIVE WITH HER." But of course, it's almost invariably true that when one sees the worst side to someone often, they become a bit less....lovable. And with most of our existing years of marriage having been in upheaval either by the Army or custody battles that got very angry, it's easy to see how tempers would flare and we wouldn't always be the best of friends. Intelligent....I credit that to my love of books and my high school. I've been known to read books that push me to my intellectual boundaries, to challenge my beliefs, to make me solidify my stances. My favorite non-humor, intellectual books are 1984 by George Orwell, and Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand. Atlas Shrugged is the basis of many a controversy. It's also a large book. I don't know who would be qualified to say I'm intelligent, because I know there are more intelligent people out there than me, but it stands to reason that experience, research, debate and conversation with other intelligent persons has broadened my mind a touch. 

My favorite color is green. I love penguins. I love to read and sew, and the beautiful thing about me with reading is that I'm not one of those "read it and done" people. I love to read my favorite books over and over again, and have done so. I still have a MASSIVE collection but most of the books I have have been well-loved. I've also inherited some from my mom, who IS a "one and done" reader, so I am rolling in literature, of many different genres. The Denver Broncos are my team, and have been for 17 years, even in the years when I wasn't interested in sports so much. I like to make quilts, which is good because they require a lot of sewing before you're done with just one project, and for our future, we can't hardly have enough quilts, especially for the kids' beds and snuggling in the living room during winter nights. Not to mention, my bed quilt got ruined, so I need a new one. Oh, shucks. :D 

^My current bed quilt, the one that has been ruined and must now be replaced.^

^G's quilt. It's not done because most of the way through it I was hired to make another one. ^

^The quilt I made for my niece when she was born. My first project. I made one just like it for the newborn of a friend of mine.^

^J's quilt. My best to day, finished, that is.^

^The military themed topper I made that was a gift from my grama. I haven't finished it, because, again, other projects have occupied my time.^

^The one I've been hired to make, as it stands. Obviously it's not done, but it is a work in progress. ^

There are things I'd love to get into, but can't, either from money, time, resources, or lack of interest from everyone else in my house. I'd love to get into some form of interior decorating but I don't see that happening. I love to be crafty. I'm also a grammar and spelling Nazi, so watch your literary steps with me. If I don't say something, know that I'm going crazy and ripping my hair out in my mind.

Contrary to my title, I don't like cats. I think they're jerks. They're obnoxious and about all they're good for is catching rodents and being soft. I'm not exactly an animal lover, but I'd take a dog over a cat any day. I have a dog, Apollo. He's something else, to put it mildly. He's currently living with, and driving nuts, my in-laws. He needed to be out of the tight confines of almost everything in TX because he's a golden retriever. So we will take him back when we move home in 3 months.

I'm usually up for mild adventures. Roadtrips are my favorite; I love driving and listening to music and getting to see new places and people. I've been on a cruise before, and out of the country on 3 separate occasions, not counting the jaunt over the USA/Canada border at Niagara Falls. 2 of those trips were mission trips and one was the cruise, and all were in high school. 

My biggest weakness is my self-esteem. I have none. And it doesn't take much to poke it with a red-hot fire poker, because I'm a woman and so therefore I naturally can interpret many things as insults or teasing. I can be very sensitive, especially towards the people I love most. But if I make up my mind that I am rubber, nothing you say can hurt me. I have as of yet managed to make up my mind in that way against family and certain close friends. When I was young I HATED when people laughed at my antics; I'd yell at them and run away to cry by myself. No more. I feel better if they're giggling at me while I'm in a good mood. I have no idea how that happened. 

The best way to get me mad? Shush me. Or insinuate that I'm a bad mom. Depending on who you are or how well you know me, that's a good way to get some verbal whiplash. Sometimes I'll be quiet and walk away (I'm trying to do that more and more, because when I'm mad my self-control switch shuts down and gets stuck), but if that's not an option, it might be best to hold your tongue. 

Were I to go back to school, I have NO idea what I'd study. I'd basically get a "just in case" degree, to be used in case something were to happen to Husband and he became incapable of financially supporting us. Otherwise, I've fallen into the mindset, and content heart, of being a stay at home mom. Maybe I'd take some cooking classes, to get better at that, but I'd also like to take classes on cooking in an older fashion. My goal for my life is to situate it in such a way that if it was the end of the world as we know it (yes, I'm singing the song), our daily routine wouldn't change very much. Maybe I'd take to carrying more, and being more aware of looters or other some such emergency, but I don't want to be so reliant on technology that if S were to HTF, I'd be up a creek without a paddle. My ideal would be to get comfortable doing the hard stuff while the going is still easy, so if/when the going gets tough, I'm good to go. I'm not there yet but I'm getting closer. I've taught myself how to make hand-kneaded bread and it's all we use, now. I have my own sourdough starter, that I made, instead of being given one or buying one. I am trying to make quilts quickly so that I don't have to worry about hand-sewing because that's a nightmare and a half. I'm very excited to learn new skills that aren't new at all; more or less, forgotten, ignored, progressed past, etc. Maybe I just REALLY liked the Little House On The Prairie set and secretly wanna be Laura Ingalls? Maybe. 

I'm not what you'd call a simple person. I'm a woman, for crying out loud. Even women can't understand other women all the time, not even themselves. But that, at least, is a bit of Amy 101, something that helps you understand a bit about me, why I do what I do, and why I am who I am. 

Carpe Diem

Lately the grass has been greener on the other side, and I can't stop staring over the fence at it. I mean, My grass is pretty green too, and there's a garden here, but it hasn't stopped me from staring over the fence wistfully. I have a nasty habit of following rabbit holes on Facebook. I see a post from an old friend, likely from school, and I decide to check out their profile, see what I'm unaware of. Before I know it, I'm years into my scrolling, wishing I'd made different choices so I could have had a chance at the kind of adventures _______ had. And then I'm sad the rest of the day, thinking of everything I missed out on. On the opinions people must have of me.

I'm missing out, therefore, on the beauty that is my own life. There have been some seriously ugly things in my life, but aren't there in everyone's? In a few months Husband, J and I will be moving home to the family farm that Husband is set to inherit, and we will carve out a happy, peaceful, healthy, wholesome life for ourselves. Our days will be full of peaceful productivity, animal care, adventures, learning. I can appreciate these things because of the chaotic pattern of the last several years of my life, of my own creation. God blessed me, turned it all around, and gave me this future, and I should be ashamed to shun it in favor of a life that was intended for and lived by someone else. And so my attitude has changed. I can't say I've stopped comparing my experiences with others, but I've learned to remind myself that God made my sordid history into a chance to appreciate what is to come.

We're going to be farmers. We're going to have a home, with J and possibly/likely more, and G will be visiting and have her own room/bed (if we have more girls she'll share with her sisters), we'll have chickens and cows and pigs, and a garden. We'll have woods so the kids can go crazy and explore. New adventures for kids, the way it should be. I've learned new skills and arts, things that have become lost in today's society. For all I know, none of this would have been possible if I'd chosen differently even once.

We each need to realize (and this can encompass some pretty hefty issues and debates, and a wide variety of those) that we are on the path we were given because it is in God's will. Each path has it's own struggle, and consequences, and circumstances, and choices, and so basing our decisions on other people, and our analyses of other lives, is, simply put, unwise. The whole "grass is greener" thing can be classified very easily: Envy. It's a sin. To be jealous of something that someone else has is not productive, and makes one discontent with the life they were given.  So me looking at old school friends' FB accounts and seeing their adventures and then spending time wistfully regretting past decisions and what I would have done if this WASN'T the path I was on only serves to distract me from this path, and what a wonderful thing it can be, what God has for me, and what wonderful things I can do on it. It's time we each start appreciating who we are as we are, instead of constantly wishing to be someone else, do something else, be somewhere else. Carpe diem, so to speak.

Judgy McJudgerson, Meet Ranty McRanterson

I have these days where I wake up, and I can just tell that it's gonna be One of Those Days. Today was one. I woke up and sat on the edge of the bed, trying to think of what day it was, and it dawned on me that I'd missed Blog Tuesday. I didn't have any topics on my mind, but I figured with a day that today was feeling like it would be, I'd have one soon enough. As the day has gone on (it's lunchtime), I was right. I know attitude is half of it, which of course is partially why I'm mad, because I feel like my attitude is a train with broken brakes. IT KEEPS COMING.

Today I am grumpy. I find that when I'm grumpy, I'm super easily annoyed. Things that normally just make me sigh are making me *headdesk* today. The dishwasher in my apartment doesn't get used anymore because it's a worthless piece of crap, but that of course means that I have to handwash...and I didn't yesterday, so guess what my sink is full of? I use the dishwasher for a drying rack for the mass amounts of dishes that stack up, because dishes are the chore I loath the most, after mopping. Today the door decided it didn't want to close, so I tried again. Nuh uh. A third time. Nope. I slammed it. And oh yay, a coffee mug handle broke. Not just a generic one, no, the one I was asked to buy as a souvenir in NM because we won't be there again for a long time, not in the same capacity we have been for the last 4 years. Awesome.

Oh, heeeeeeeeey, did you know that mac and cheese is a suitable substitute for confetti? No? Come look on my floor, let me educate you in the ways of toddler improvisation. It's a veritable minefield of yellow, squishy noodles, having been sprinkled to and fro by a delightfully entertained little boy. That same little boy likes to open the fridge...a lot....and eat sticks of butter. Or attempt to give me "subtle hints" (hint: they're not subtle) that he would like a drink by bringing me the beverage of his choice, no matter how heavy it is or how much of it he spills on his merry way to the ever-accommodating Mommy.

On these days, when I am so grumpy and it seems like Murphy and his legal team have moved in with me and are eating me out of house and home, I find myself perusing FB with an air of judgment. "I can't believe he did that." "Why did she think that was smart?" Fortunately, for the most part, I keep my mouth shut, because I'm usually of sound enough mind to realize that my sound-ness does not extend so far as to keep me from alienating people if I DO say something.

And so, here is my challenge to you. If it's one of those days for me and you hear me being Judgy McJudgerson, kindly tell me to shut my trap. I will be irritated and I will attempt to justify, and when that happens, remind me of this blog. Because here's why: these people I subject to the overflow of my bad days are my friends. Family. People I care about. If they're in my life there's a reason and most of them shouldn't be purged because I couldn't find it in myself to control my ire and said things I will definitely regret. I've done it before, and like I said, I regret it. Help a sister out, eh? Slap some duct tape on my mouth. Or tape my fingers together, as the case may be.

A Message of Love to Gay People

As a mother, I love my children. For the most part, that's to be expected, because my children were given to me, and there is a biological bond, an instinct instilled in me to love my children. I've read articles that talk about how babies are cute, and they smell good, and there's a reason for it: it's their survival mechanism. They're cute and smell good because that's a good way to convince their caretaker to continue caring for them, until they're old enough to be independent. Without us, babies would die, and so they woo us into caring for them with their adorable faces, their contagious laughter, and that precious smell.

These were...well, still are, my babies. On the left is G, when she was less than a month. I'd stripped her down because she was hot, but I wrapped her in the crocheted blanket my mom made for her, and she fell asleep in my arms. She looked so pretty, I took a picture of her. Look at that face. It begs to be loved and cared for. On the right is J, when he was less than a day old. We were still in the hospital. Such a cute little face, all wrapped up. In those days the only place he would sleep was in my arms or laying on my chest. If I laid him down he'd wake up in a heartbeat, and so we'd sit on the couch, watching TV and snuggling, for hours on end. 

Here's the thing about those two. Both have gotten older. G is a rousing 7 years old. J is 2; need I say more? Both have had plenty of time to, while still adorable, become troublemakers, and they do a fabulous job at it too. They do wrong. They get themselves into messes. I don't have a picture of the biggest mess G made because...well, it's not a picture one would take. When she was still potty-training she woke up from a nap and pooped herself, and instead of telling me, she attempted to clean it up herself. But first, she smeared it all over her bed, the carpet, a rocking chair that was in the room, and the wall, and then she used an entire pack of wipes. And she still wasn't clean. Needless to say when I went to get her, I was horrified. But, as I don't have a picture, I'll just show you a pic of her with prunes in baby-food style, smeared all over her face. 

And then there's the little turd on the right, who, this past winter, decided that he wanted some of that purple drink Mommy had spent hours making, and so he reached for the jar...but it was too heavy and it upended all over him and the floor. It was freshly made elderberry syrup, by the way. At least he didn't get sick. X said the picture made him look very much like Husband though. 

When my children do something wrong, go down the wrong path, it is my job, as their mother, to discipline them and to steer them in the right direction, so that they may please God, and grow up to be functioning adults that aren't looking for trouble all the time, as so much of society is. So, yes, I tell them when they're wrong, but I do so in love, because I love my children. I don't want to grow old and watch as my children drive themselves into a sinful, miserable life.

The same goes for sinners in the world. People who intentionally choose the wrong path because it's what makes them "happy" at the time. Now, the more I've heard the phrase, "whatever makes you happy," the more I clench my fists. Because I, of all people, know what pain can follow if you disregard God's law for "whatever makes you happy." I had sex out of wedlock. 7 years later I lost custody of the child that was conceived from that poor choice. I am not happy now. I was then. So was it worth it? Well, as with all things, God makes good out of bad, and He gave me a wonderful little girl out of a crappy choice, but because all choices come with a consequence, I am currently suffering through mine. If I could go back, I would not have done so. Because although not doing so would mean no G, it would also mean that all the years of chaos that poor girl has been through, unjustly, would not have happened. Obviously, a child isn't always the consequence of that particular choice, but there always is one, whether the person realizes it or not. STD's. Decreased self-value. Regret for lost virtue when they find the one they were looking for all along. Who knows; an abusive relationship? God set his standard for a reason. 

Now, here's where I get super controversial. The Bible is clear that homosexuality is a sin. Like every other sin, it's merely the sin that is detestable, not the sinner. Because there is no sin that is worse than another one in God's eyes, since He can see the horrible ripples in the pond for everything. They're all equal to each other. My sex out of wedlock caused a lot of crap in a lot of lives, innocent lives, so how am I better than a murderer? Sure, those innocent people are still alive, but is it better to be alive and tortured than dead? Lies, betrayal....all sins. 1 Corinthians 6:9-10 says, "Do you not know that the wicked will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God." This is a hard verse for some in society to hear, because today's society is about "whatever makes you happy." Many people love to sleep around, to worship their belongings or a person, whatever, to cheat on their spouses or help their love cheat, to sell themselves for what they want, to sleep with someone of the same sex, to steal, to take what they want whether it's theirs or not, to get drunk, to gossip, to trick people. It gives them a pleasure of sort, and there's a reason for that: there's something missing in their hearts. The good news is, there is redemption. It's not like we commit the sin and "Oh, well, guess I'm going to hell." It CAN be like that, if the person doesn't repent and change their ways, but it doesn't have to be. 1 Cor 6:11 goes on to say, "And that is what some of you were. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God." There is hope. That doesn't mean you can say "Sorry, Jesus," and go on your merry way and sinning, because at that point you clearly weren't sorry, you are still doing the same thing, so you didn't actually repent. That's just lip service, with no follow-through. When Jesus was on earth, He saved a prostitute from being stoned to death by Pharisees. Most are familiar with the story. She was brought before Jesus and the Pharisees explained that she'd been caught, and that the Law of Moses said to stone her to death. Instead of lashing back, He said, "Let he who is without blame cast the first stone." None of the Pharisees could claim innocence, so they left. John 8: 10, 11: "Jesus straightened up and asked her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?" "No one, sir," she said. "Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin." 

He forgave her. But that wasn't a green light to keep doing what she was doing. The point of repentance is to be sorry for what one has done, and to make an effort to change it.

Some say that homosexuals are born the way they are. I don't know if that's true or not, but I do know we were all born sinful. I also believe that some people are inclined to certain sins, and will struggle with them all their lives. But God defined marriage, for a bigger purpose than it has become today. Today, if a couple are living together, having sex, keeping a family, without being married, no one really cares, because today, marriage has become a way to exact taxes, or an arrangement for insurance benefits. Obviously, in some factions, marriage is still very important, but usually because of what their beliefs teach them. 1 Cor 7:2 says, "But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband." There's no confusion there. To continue saying that homosexuality is not a sin is simply living in denial of God's Word, and that will bear its own consequences. 

If you are gay, and reading this, and have become angry with me, I'm sorry it has upset you. To be totally truthful, though, I expect as much, because no one likes to be told that what they're doing/want to do is wrong, and will bear serious consequences. I surely didn't, but I suffered them regardless. I want you to know this: I do not now, nor have I ever, nor will I ever, hate you because you're gay, for the exact same reason that I do not hate my children when they misbehave. Their actions are not who they are, it's something they have chosen to do, and therefore it is my responsibility, as their mother, to correct their behavior so that they will be beacons of light to the world, and not a burden. Likewise, as a child of God, it is my responsibility to tell you, because He loves you, and therefore I do, when you're doing something you should not be doing. Because He loves you, He doesn't want to see you going down a road that will lead to your destruction. And your destruction may not happen while you're on earth, but the Bible is clear that you won't inherit the kingdom of heaven. I fear what that entails. And so I beg you to turn from what the Bible has clearly told you is a sin. I know it will be hard. Harder than quitting smoking, because smoking has physical ingredients that draw you in, but detoxing from homosexuality is not so simple. It won't be easy. It wasn't easy for me to return to abstinence once I confessed what I'd done, because by then I knew how good it could feel and I wanted more. 

It is conquerable, if you decide that you are going to turn over a new leaf.. There are stories out there of people who were entrenched in homosexuality, and turned from their ways. I encourage you, if any of this has touched your heart, to seek them out, and seek counsel with them. I've never been gay, so I can only tell you what the Word says and pray for you, and if that's what you want me to do I will be happy to do so, and come along side you in your battle. But as I've never been gay, I don't know what struggles will come ahead of you. I do know that Jesus CAN and WILL help you through it, you just need to be true to Him. 

John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him will not perish, but have everlasting life. 

On a more serious note...

As I've grown up I've developed some opinions. (GASP! Amy, opinionated? NEVER.) I've also put some passion behind some of these opinions, and some of them have become rabbit-holes of eye-openers. When J was still baking, I didn't really research. Goodness knows I didn't while G was baking either, but I was also almost 5 years younger with her, so that's not entirely surprising. There were a couple of events that happened that sparked my interest when G was tiny, but I didn't take them very far until after J was born. Then, it was like the dam broke. The research began and didn't stop. I was still on the fence until he was 2 months, and then I hopped off and made my final decision, with the support of Husband, of course. We've stuck to that, but once you start down that particular path, it leads to others. It started with vaccines, which lead to western medicine in general. Diapers. Oils. Even circumcision. In some aspects, I'm a complete opposite, and I've done the research to be firm on my positions. But one particular issue never hit me until I made friends with G's stepmom...and now, while I've not done crazy amounts of research about it, I'm definitely more sensitive and aware of it.

G's stepmom, we'll call her M2 for Mommy #2, struggles with infertility. It's a tragic situation for any woman to be in, let alone one who wants children of her own as badly as M2 does. There was a time in my life, that I'm very ashamed of, but need to come clean on, that I sorta saw it as God's "message" that she shouldn't have children, and for that, I publicly apologize to her. That was mean. It wasn't very Christ-like of me. I've come to an inner peace since then, because I was angry at her and my ex for fighting against me for custody of G. It still hurts, today, to have lost G, but working with M2 on it all has made me feel better, I get plenty of access to my girl, and I've made a new friend. Now, I realize that Jeremiah 29:11 applies to her just like it applies to me. God has a plan for her. And through it all I've learned what jokes are inappropriate, the pain that comes with trying to have a baby...and while I know she tells me not to, I still feel a bit guilty that having babies comes so easy to me and not to her. I've talked to her about this; I know there was a time when she was so upset that I could have babies and she couldn't. I ALSO know that when she found out I was pregnant with J, it was a VERY hard day for her, and likely longer than a day.

So, I invite you to just review these statistics, and keep in mind these hints about being courteous to someone who is dealing with infertility.

• Infertility is NOT an inconvenience; it is a disease of the reproductive system that impairs the body's ability to perform the basic function of reproduction.
   
• Impaired fecundity (the inability have a child) affects 6.7 million women in the U.S. -- about 11% of the reproductive-age population (Source: National Survey of Family Growth, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention [CDC] 2006-2010).
   
• In a survey of married women, the CDC found that 1.5 million women in the US (6%) are infertile (Source: National Survey of Family Growth, Centers for Disease Control and Prevention [CDC] 2006-2010).
   
• Infertility affects men and women equally.
   
• Twenty-five percent of infertile couples have more than one factor that contributes to their infertility.
   
• In approximately 40 percent of infertile couples, the male partner is either the sole cause or a contributing cause of infertility.
   
• Irregular or abnormal ovulation accounts for approximately 25 percent of all female infertility problems.
   
• Most infertility cases -- 85% to 90% -- are treated with conventional medical therapies such as medication or surgery.
   
• While vital for some patients, in vitro fertilization and similar treatments account for less than 3% of infertility services, and about (or approximately) seven hundredths of one percent (0.07%) of U.S. health care costs.
   
• Twelve percent of all infertility cases are a result of the woman either weighing too little or too much.
   
• It is possible for women with body weight disorders to reverse their infertility by attaining and maintaining a healthy weight.
   
• Men and Women who smoke have decreased fertility.
   
• The risk of miscarriage is higher for pregnant women who smoke.
   
• Up to 13 percent of female infertility is caused by cigarette smoking.
   
• Chlamydia causes about 4 to 5 million infections annually in the United States. If left untreated, chlamydia can cause infertility. 

Tips:

1) April Fools' pregnancy jokes are NOT okay. They're painful to someone who would LOVE to announce to their significant others that they're pregnant....and can't. For any reason. So when April 1st comes around and you start hunting for jokes to play, pack away the fake positive pregnancy test. 

2) Sometimes people with infertility just need time to brace themselves. In M2's case, sometimes baby shower invites and pregnancy announcements are painful for a bit, but that doesn't mean she's not happy for the mommy to be, it means that she really really REALLY wants to be doing the same thing. So give her some space, let her get her bearings and eventually, she'll be able to keep on keeping on.

3) If she reaches out to you, listen. Sometimes she just needs a listening ear. Be compassionate. Try to understand as best as you can, which may not be far, but still try. 

4) This one is a bit case-by-case, so I'll tell you what I know about M2. I've often worried and wondered about the emotional pain of having J around when I go to pick up G for a visit. I've mentioned as much, because while I feel bad if it hurts her, I also know I don't always have an option. J is pretty much with me all the time; rare is the time I can/will leave him home all day. I've left him a few times when I didn't have to drive the whole way, but as of yet it's not been possible. Additionally, as there are no tiny children in her home, it's not J-proof. Sometimes even my home isn't J proof, so I worry that she'll have precious things at risk of being broken because J is a turd. But she's told me it doesn't bother her, and this last time, she and X treated us to pizza for lunch, which of course gave J plenty of time to run around the house and cozy up to X (slightly awkward, but still endearing since X doesn't seem to mind how close J gets to him, physically). I asked her how it was, and she said she liked having little people around the house (even if J did slop dog water all over the floor...). Obviously, knowing the preferences of the person involved are a must, so maybe that's my point. Get to know the person, and what hurts, what doesn't. I'm not saying you have to constantly tip-toe around them, because you know, still gotta live life. I would feel HORRIBLE if J's presence gave M2 massive heartache, but alas, I can't usually leave J at home, so I'd adjust to keep his presence and reminder in her day at a minimum. It's courtesy, people. Get to know them, learn what makes them tick and what hurts, and then do unto others, ya know? 

5) Don't make it seem like nothing when you're trying to be there for them. It's not nothing. Don't blow it off, don't make jokes like they're lucky, don't act like you know what's causing it so you know how to fix it. And don't suggest lifestyle changes. Be sympathetic without advice. Advice from you is very likely not welcome. If they wanted it they'd ask for it. 

6) Pray for them. And tell them you're doing so. Rejoice in any good news they tell you, be a shoulder to lean on during the bad news times. Pray with them, if they're open to that. Jesus loves them too, and He knows they're hurting. 

Now, I hope that when M2 reads this (she will, eventually) she agrees with what I've said. She may even expand on it, and if she does, I'll probably update this with her expansions. If you don't get it....think of it this way. Sometimes, being a mom around a friend with infertility is like being the rich friend of a poor person. Rubbing it in their face doesn't help. Obviously, I can't give J to M2 (Husband would have a heart attack), and X has custody of G so M2 and X are raising her....but rubbing J into her face would be mean. Heartless. Even when things were bad I wouldn't have done it. In court, she had to admit that, and while I wasn't her biggest fan back then, Husband and I went home, telling each other that we felt bad for her in that moment, and we wouldn't wish that on our worst enemy. It hurts. And it hurts those who are close to those who suffer themselves, because we care about them. I care about M2, what happens to her and X, and I know that they suffer from this. I wish I could take that pain away from them but all I can do is be a supportive ear and shoulder, and pray for them. Jesus can take the pain away far easier than I can, but that's His call, not mine. So until we see His plan, I will continue being a shoulder to lean on, as God intended me to be.