One Year Ago

A year ago today, I got the email that turned the day into the very worst day of my life. I checked my email while sitting at my MIL's house, with G and J playing and Husband fishing with his dad, and there was an email from my lawyer's paralegal/assistant, with an attachment. I opened it, and read it, and for a minute I couldn't breathe. I couldn't speak. I couldn't see anything but the most terrible words I've ever seen.

The judge awarded custody to my ex. I lost her. I couldn't even look at the reason why, or what it said the adjustments would be. All I could do was cry. G and MIL were frantically asking me what was wrong, what had happened. I couldn't find the words. All I could do was hand the phone to MIL and pull G to me in the tightest, most tragic, soul-clinging hug I've ever given that girl. She kept asking what was wrong but I couldn't answer her. I was too tied up in gut-wrenching sobs. My MIL started crying too, as she read, and then came to hug us both. J stood at a distance, just watching us. Just like his dad, he has no idea what to do when women are crying.  Finally I gained a tiny bit of composure and told G what had me so upset. I'll never forget how she cried; it was like a death. She sobbed and threw herself on my neck, and I did the same with her. But I couldn't breathe. I felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest, and I needed help. I got up, moved G to MIL and went outside and gagged. I felt like I was going to puke but I never did. I called Husband and told him. He'd told me before court that he knew if I lost G, he'd lose me, because I'd be a ghost of myself. He had no idea how true that would become. Then I called my mom, and my grandparents. All over the place there were tears and prayers, and meanwhile I just sat staring. I had cried all my tears and I ended up worrying my in-laws, from just sitting motionless, not able to engage myself in anything.

When we got home from my in-laws I put G to bed and then I curled up on the couch, my head in my mom's lap, and just cried. The pain....you have no idea. I finally read through it. I didn't lose her because I'm a crappy mom. I lost her because Husband and I were moving within 2 years and my ex wasn't. That was it. No judgements about my parenting methods, no accusations, except that we were moving home to claim our inheritance and X wasn't moving from his state at all. That was, and still is a hard pill to swallow.

A couple days ago, we FINALLY got everyone on board to get the modified agreement signed, agreed and ruled. The judge has lost it a few times, the other lawyer has forgotten it once or twice, and through it all there has been some contact with my lawyer. Every time I talk to her she tells me she still cries over my case. She still has nightmares. That she will never try a case with that judge again, without a jury. That the court reporter is astonished as well.

What happened that day shook Husband's faith, to be perfectly honest. He stopped going to church for a bit after that. I was a bit hurt by that, but I understand the issue. He's back now.

Over this past year I've worked very, very hard to keep things friendly with G's dad and stepmom, and the progress we've made sometimes astonishes even us. I hope it keeps going; the tension was terrible for G, and she learned to manipulate it pretty hardcore. Even so, with the good things that have come out of this, I still typed this blog with tears in my eyes. Some pretty awful things came about after court that have forever changed my life, as well as the good things. I wouldn't wish such an experience on anyone, and looking back I can tell you the things I would have changed, but of course, had I changed them, who knows where I'd be right now.